It's the Constitution Stupid

By the time you read this, it’s possible that some resolution will have been found to the controversy swirling around plans to build a Muslim mosque in New York City near ground zero. But, like many things in life, what has been uncovered by the main event is the real story. And that would be the stupidity of the American public.

You would think that by now, everyone in this country would have heard of the U.S. Constitution. But, once again, the American public doesn’t understand why they are supposed to stand idly by while a bunch of organized undesirables poop on their front door step and then rub their noses in it. It’s a big DUH! but, fortunately, this newspaper is allowing me to explain it all to you today and it all revolves around a little piece of paper called the Constitution. You see, our Constitution guarantees a number of “rights,” and when you decide that you want to do something disgusting, then you just pick a number. I’m not sure which number will be used in this matter but, picking a number is part of the fun anyway.

Getting back to our lesson, I do know it has to do with religious freedom because I remember a couple of lawyers over in Thomasville saying that as they were trying to chisel the Ten Commandments off of every flat surface in the county. Shoot, without that Constitution we wouldn’t have been able to have our government support the pious (and starving) artists who gave us such masterpieces as a sculpture of Christ on a cross sticking in a jar of urine, a portrait of Jesus with a bullwhip protruding from his posterior and a rendering of the Mother Mary made out of cow dung. In fact, I believe that purchasers of these works got a free cap snaffler embossed with the Constitution, as a bonus. Hopefully, you are starting to understand religious freedom here in America.

And another number apparently has to do with democracy. Now pay attention, because this one is really tricky. You see, if 7 million people in California vote to define marriage as a union between one man and one woman, then that’s mob rule. Get it? Wow, this is going to be more difficult than I thought. OK, if Congress passes a law that makes it a crime to claim you earned medals in the armed services, when you actually didn’t, then that’s unconstitutional. Wait a minute, I think that’s another number that deals with free speech. But that doesn’t matter because it’s kind of the same thing and, as I said, it is tricky.

Moving along to the next number, we’ll touch briefly on separation of state and federal power. If you’re just a state, you have to be patient while hordes invade your borders because the federal courts will throw several of those numbers at you at the same time.

But if you’re a big shot with the federal government, say someone like the president, then you can shoot your mouth off about anytime you feel like it. You can take other peoples’ property and give it away to others and, even when you can’t make someone do what you want them to do, you can make them wish that they had.

This may take another session but, to sum it all up, it’s a numbers game up in Capital City, and I hope I have helped some of you deal with the frustration of it all. My advice is to go out and buy a good calculator. It will help you with this and it will be good for the economy as well.

* This course has been being taught to Americans for about two years now and a new Obama popularity poll shows that 56 percent of the students are finally “getting it.”